For one I was lonely at school all day. Memories of being the shy, non-talking, scared to even say a word person began coming back and I basically just shut down in school. But then it got worse when I got home.
For one, my grandmother passed yesterday. I'm actually not all that sad about it, I am extremely happy for her, she won her battle with MS after having fighting it for 31 years and is no longer suffering. I am also so extremely proud of her. This woman, who I never thought would be a science junky, donated her body to science at the University of Georgia, where they would teach other soon to be doctors about MS, and help in the fight to find a cure. Sadly, they denied her body, but the thought is what counted in my opinion. Now she will be cremated. I still don't know what they will do with the ashes.
We had to go eat dinner at my aunts house this afternoon. She's is trying her damnest to be as mean to my mom as possible. Why? I have no clue. I've thought about it all day. It is most likely because my Grandmother considered my mom one of her own, even though my mom is her Daughter-In-Law. My aunt and Grandmother never got along. Every time they were in the same room they fought. But not my mom, nope, not ever. I have no idea why she's doing it, but it had me on edge going to her house, because I always say the wrong thing at the wrong time.
Second, my cousin brought her boyfriend over. Not the biggest deal in the world, he was the hottest guy in our entire school system (I swear on my life I am not the only one who thought that) but he dropped out. What does he do when he walks in? Gave me a hug. It was slightly embarrassing, but not in a bad kind of way, but it made me more on edge. Plus, they are what I consider "The Perfect Couple". I'm jealous over it, not because I want either of them, but because I want the love. They are so cute together and he is such a good man for her. It just reminded me of how shitty I am in this world.
Then, my mom basically FORCED me to go do her runs. Yea, think of how shitty that made me look. I'd only been there for maybe 30 minutes. And guess what she did? She asked my cousin AND her boyfriend to go with me. Yea, remind me to never do that again. For one, I messed up leaving the driveway, my cousin screamed even though everything was fine, but it had me on edge THE ENTIRE RUN. Plus they were flirting the entire time, talking about their dinner plans this weekend. I am so happy she found him, but at the same time my heart hurts because I know I'll never have that...
I mess up everything. I can't talk to anyone right. Basically all I know how to do is work with my animals and write horrible stories, and I can't even write ones that my friends can read. Only a few of my friends don't look down on me, but the rest, idk, I just feel I'm insignificant to them. And the sucky thing is I still hang out with them. Wow, what school does to you. I hate it, I need it but I hate it. I don't even hate academics, or teachers, I hate other teenagers. How come I can walk up to a new client, introduce myself and be perfectly coordinated, but can't even walk up to one of my friends and say a perfect sentence? I can't even walk into a room with my family and say anything.
Maybe I should just distance myself from everyone until school is over, except for a select few. Or better yet, leave and see who actually cares to come find me. Maybe then I can get it out of my head how shitty I am, and move on to better things...